I Am Not That Anymore

Triggers can pull me back into the shadows of childhood, where fear and stress once ruled. They arrive uninvited, painful reminders of moments when I felt frozen, watching others lash out like cornered animals. Back then, I believed it was my job to rescue wounded souls, to fix their unhappiness, to carry burdens far too heavy for a child.

I now understand: it was never my duty. I was a child, not a healer of broken hearts. Repeating the story only reinforces the loop, so instead I focus on what I’ve learned. Those experiences taught me to believe I had to be perfect, silent, unseen—so others wouldn’t suffer. When triggers surface, grief, anger, and sadness rise. Yet alongside them lives awareness, and with awareness comes choice.

Since nineteen, I’ve sought wisdom through teachers, books, courses, and reflection. Labels may explain behaviours, but I refuse to let them define me. Instead, I ask: how can I use my understanding of triggers to return to love, to inner peace?

I remind myself: I am not that anymore. I am no longer the child who thought her worth depended on saving others. Today, I choose compassion—for myself and for those who could not give what I yearned for. I choose boundaries, truth, and the freedom to play, to be imperfect, to feel safe.

I honour the grieving child within, offering her a hug and a reminder: you are allowed to feel, to heal, to be happy. Others may remain trapped in their suffering, but I no longer carry their cage. I carry my own voice, my own peace.

In the present moment, I breathe. I allow feelings to rise and pass with kindness. And I remember: all is well. I am safe. I am free.