Breaking Free from “You Should”

As a child, I often heard the words: “Don’t,” “You shouldn’t,” “You should do this,” “You can’t.” Over time, these phrases created an unconscious belief that I wasn’t allowed to be myself. I learned that the feelings of others mattered more than mine, and that my role was to obey in order to keep them happy. If I didn’t, their unhappiness seemed to prove I was the cause — that I must have done something wrong, that I was a bad person.

When these beliefs go unquestioned, they follow us into adulthood. I found myself repeating the same words to others, believing that if people changed their values and behaved the way I wanted, then I would finally be happy. This cycle of control only deepened disconnection from the love we truly are. It became a cycle of inner war.

The key to breaking free is awareness. Through conscious communication, we can hold space for everyone’s feelings and beliefs without it sounding like an attack or a form of enforced control. Instead of saying “You should” or “You can’t,” I learned to say: “This is what I would do,” “This is how I feel,” “This is what I suggest,” “This is how I see it.” This allows authenticity without demanding conformity.

Of course, some will still hear suggestions as attacks. That’s okay. The choice remains ours: to react with old triggers or to pause and ask — What makes me feel responsible for their feelings? Do I need validation to honour my values? Where did I learn I need permission to be myself?

We cannot control others, but we can choose how we speak, how we react, and whether we live in peace or in conflict. When I choose not to speak my truth, I realise I am rejecting my voice, abandoning my values, and punishing myself by believing I am not worthy to be seen or heard. Unconsciously, I believe I don’t matter because other people’s happiness seems more important than mine.

What I know is this: if I continue believing I must control others to be happy, my happiness will always depend on them. So, I made a choice — to communicate my needs with honesty, even when it feels hard to unlearn old beliefs. It hasn’t been easy, and I doubt perfection is possible, but I have found a profound shift toward inner peace.

I invite you to notice your feelings when others express themselves. I invite you to reflect on how you communicate your beliefs. Are you speaking your truth while allowing others the space to do the same? If not, what could you shift today to create a world of peace where we can all be authentic?

The choice is yours:

To expect people should do things your way, or to express how you would do it — creating a space for expansion and discussion without it appearing as a form of control.

I will leave the choice to you.

Nathalie Le Riche

Reflection Sheet: Transforming “You Should” Language

Journaling Prompts for Awareness

• When I hear controlling language, what feelings arise in me?
• Do I believe I am responsible for someone else’s happiness or disappointment?
• Where did I learn that I need permission to be myself?
• How can I express my truth in a way that invites dialogue rather than control?
• What alternative phrasing could I practice today to create space for both my voice and theirs?

✨ Practice Tip: Try choosing one phrase from the “Alternative” column each day and consciously use it in conversation. Notice how it changes the energy of the interaction and how others respond.